Columbus Day… Roast

The Short Stack Story Time team was talking about Columbus Day over the weekend, and we couldn’t think of a true blue reason to celebrate the so-called holiday. To give you some background: Columbus Day is celebrated on October 12 each year to commemorate Christopher Columbus’ arrival in the Western Hemisphere. Italian, Spanish, and American tend to “celebrate” the event. However, no one in the team could think of a time that they actually “celebrated” Columbus Day. It has become one of the forgotten holidays, if you ask me. So, in honor of Christopher Columbus, Short Stack Story Time presents: Columbus Day… Roast. *** Reader discretion is advised: Adult language ***


Elle: Who wants to talk about Columbus Day?

Rachel: Not me! That dude was a butt.

Jesse Cole: “I claim this land for Spain! Get the hell out, natives!”


Jesse Cole: “We’re gonna kill you and take your women if you don’t worship the man in the funny hat.”

Rachel: “I’m going to call you ‘Indians’ cuz whoopsy, I suck at directions.”

Jesse: So, wait. Columbus was a woman?

Rachel: There’s a “men are too stubborn to stop and ask for directions” stereotype joke somewhere in there.

Elle: No, no, no. The men and directions joke was about Magellan…

Jesse: “I’m not lost! We’re just gonna keep going ’til we get there!”

Rachel: “Who cares how many die? Onward into nothingness!”

Jesse: “To the final frontier! And your grave!”

Elle: “I claim this land for Spain… wait… someone’s been here before?”

Rachel: And funny enough, Squanto could speak perfect English.

Jesse: That name sucks.


Elle: I bet Columbus was kicking and screaming in his grave when the “lands” were named America.

Rachel: Let’s be honest, Columbus Day is just another day for retailers to lower prices and get their summer-fall stuff out and fall-winter stuff in.


Jesse: You know what holiday doesn’t get enough attention?

Rachel: “Roses are red, violets are blue, this is now India, screw you.” There’s a Columbus greeting card.

Jesse: Boxing Day

Rachel: That day is hysterical!

Elle: I love the Canadians for that.

Rachel: Boxing Day is a long standing thing in the UK as well. Oh… Rewrite Columbus’ greeting card: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m calling this India, so screw all of you.”


We learned that our team has a very twisted sense of humor. We do appreciate the history of Columbus arriving in the “New World”. We just don’t get why the holiday isn’t celebrated properly here in the US. The government doesn’t even acknowledge it. It’s just another forgotten holiday that our calendars are marked with. So, I ask you: What do you do on Columbus Day? I’d love to know.

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